Breaking Free from the Illusion of “If Only”

For so much of my life, I believed happiness was always on the other side of something else. If I had a different childhood, I would be happy. If I were thinner or prettier, I would be happy. If I were smarter, I would be happy. If my relationships were different, I would be happy. Maybe for you, it isn’t happiness you’re chasing, but peace, joy, or gratitude. The feeling is the same: a deep longing for a better outcome, and the belief that if only circumstances had been different, life would finally feel good. It sounds so convincing.

But here’s the truth: this is an illusion. The mind loves to whisper: “If only I hadn’t made that mistake… If only this person had treated me better…” It creates a fantasy outcome where everything finally makes sense, where you finally feel loved, safe, or enough. It’s so easy to get hooked on replaying those scripts—adding new characters, retelling the story, imagining the past turning out differently. But unless you have a time machine, the past cannot change. And the more you cling to the fantasy of it being different, the further you drift away from the present moment—the only place where real change can happen.

Here’s the tricky part: sometimes we even unconsciously seek out situations that resemble our past hurts. Why? Because there’s a part of us that longs for the wound to be healed, for the story to finally play out differently. Maybe you grew up feeling unseen, and now you find yourself in friendships or relationships where you are once again overlooked. Maybe you experienced rejection, and now you’re drawn to dynamics where rejection feels inevitable. On some level, the hope is: “This time, maybe I’ll get the love or validation I didn’t get back then.” But this, too, keeps us trapped. Because the more we repeat the past, the more we remain in the past.

When we fixate on the past, we keep trying to rewrite what has already happened. When we keep hoping for a different outcome in the future, we’re projecting a fantasy that may never come. Both rob us of the present moment. And yet, it is only here—in the present—that healing, change, and genuine happiness can begin.

The Weight of Unfairness

I want to pause here, because this isn’t easy. When you’ve been hurt, it feels unfair that you should be the one to create healing when someone else was at fault. A part of you may still want them to fix it, to apologize, to pay for what they did. And sometimes they do—which can bring deep relief. But often, they don’t.

Here’s the important truth: their refusal to change does not mean you are doomed. Their silence does not mean you can’t heal. Their lack of repair does not mean you are stuck. It simply means the path to happiness, peace, joy, and gratitude will not come through them—it comes through you.

Finding peace in the present doesn’t mean the past didn’t matter or that your feelings aren’t valid. It simply means choosing to step out of the replay loop and into this moment—right here, right now. You don’t need to wait for someone else to change, or for circumstances to be perfect, to feel a sense of calm, joy, or gratitude. Even small, mindful actions can anchor you to the present and remind you that healing and happiness are possible today.

Here are a few gentle ways to start:

• Pause and breathe: When your mind drifts to past regrets or future “what ifs,” take a few deep breaths and gently bring your focus back to the sensations around you—what you see, hear, and feel right now.

• Notice small joys: Look for little moments of beauty or comfort in your day—a warm cup of tea, sunlight on your skin, or a kind word from someone. These are reminders that life is happening right now.

• Journal your thoughts: Write down recurring thoughts about the past or worries about the future. Seeing them on paper helps you release them and refocus on what you can control in the present.

• Practice gratitude: Each day, note one or two things you’re grateful for today. Gratitude anchors you to the present and reminds you that good things already exist in your life.

Start small. Even one gentle step toward presence each day is progress—and over time, these moments add up to real, lasting change.

PS. Remember, you are enough—past, present, and future. Even when the mind whispers otherwise, you are enough right here, in this moment.

Love always,

Nicole